Reflecting on Autism

February 1, 2010 By

While straightening a shelf, I came across a scrapbook my mother made when the girls were toddlers. A wave of nostalgia hit me, so I opened it up. Page after page featured my joyful girls, playing and smiling for the camera. As I kept looking, a big, fat lump formed in the back of my throat, and I kept asking myself the same question. When? When did sweet, happy Rachel become autistic? What happened? When did this monster take over my precious baby and try to steal her from me?

I can’t fully communicate the pain I often feel, but I know so many of you have been there in one way or another. We all know life isn’t fair. I’m not the first to ask why, how, or when questions. I’m not the last. And I think that’s okay. God is a loving Father. He’s not afraid of or shocked by our questions, but He doesn’t always answer them in the time frame we’d like. I can see how having an autistic child has grown me, matured me, taught me more about deep love than I imagined myself capable, and given me a longing for eternity. But it has given me more pain than I sometimes think I can bear. And I still have all those questions.

I may always have them, but the important thing is not to get stuck there. I can’t remain in the swamp of questions, wallowing in my whys and drowning in my pain. I have to keep moving, focusing on the solid ground of what is in store for me, for everyone. It’s what the apostle Paul referred to as “the prize.” Someday everything will be restored, everything will be good, and every tear will be wiped away. Until then, I wait and work to make things the best they can be here on earth.

Filed Under: Special Needs Tagged With:
About Jennifer

I’m Jennifer Dyer, AKA Jenn, Mom, Ma, Aunt Jenn and Woof (translation: Feed me, human mom!). Although I love to chat with friends, host casual events at my house, read, and write, most of my hours are spent solving carpet crimes, chasing my daughter with autism, cleaning an endlessly messy house, carpooling with my tween daughter, baking desserts, and looking for my keys. Hubby recently had an opportunity to move home to Texas, so we are thrilled to see our niece and nephews on a regular basis. In 2010, God granted me an extension on my life after a bout with cancer and surgery complications, through which I gained a greater appreciation for life, family and people. Motherhood has taught me more than I ever imagined, including unending love, picking my battles, knowing my limits and when to be tough—although I am still learning this—and navigating through a maze of toys and laundry in the dark. Before I wore a motherhood cape, I worked as a speech-language pathologist and traveled with hubby. Although having a special needs child seems to have grounded us from traveling and changed our entire world, we are learning to make adventures out of each moment, laugh whenever possible, and look forward to the greatest destination ever: Heaven, where I will see my Savior and no longer have to scrub carpet.
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